Stories of YES #25 - A Letter from One Dad to Another

"I am 57 years old, and a Dad of two precious girls from China with Down syndrome. Prior to their adoption, we had four adopted children and one biological child who is now grown and on her own. My wife Lora felt called to adopt a child with Down syndrome and cautiously asked me to consider the idea as well, and I have to admit - that was a tough decision. As I went through the internal process of making a good decision, what was most helpful to me was reading other family’s stories; seeing what others struggled with, focused on, how did they resolve conflict and adversity? And in those stories - usually written by the Moms - I focused mostly on the Dads. How do they do it? Why did they do it? Are they miserable? How is it that these old guys in the pictures seem to be genuinely happy surrounded by such large groups of children? I pondered these sorts of questions a lot, and these people became mentors to me, One of the things about parenting at an older age is that it is the product of all the years of experience that led me here.

Before we had our first child as a newly married couple 28 years ago, I thought only of me. I wanted smart, fun, successful, good looking children that I could be proud of. Like a successful career, children would either reflect my success or failure in life. So I prayed to God that he would not give me a child with a handicap. Specifically I prayed, “Please God, do not let my child have Down syndrome.” God answered my prayer by giving me a wonderful and healthy little girl - a miracle baby of sorts, since my wife almost miscarried. And God decided that, after Katie, I would never have another biological child again. Since I wanted only "perfect "children, then I would spend the rest of my life rectifying that stupidity away. And looking back now at age 57, I can see that really it has come to this: God is healing me through my children.

God wants me to know that I am far from perfect. The greatest gift He can give me is “imperfect” children - just like me, who will force me to abandon the idea that I am in control; that I want to be in control; that this life is about comfort, success, fame and fortune. Instead, God’s will turns me to Him; to rely every day, every hour and minute on Him. He wants me to know I am utterly dependent. I have unseen inner handicaps God wishes me to see, and He exposes them to me, like a good doctor, so I will be willing to receive necessary treatment and healing. He does this through children - imperfect, messy, needy children.

So now, I understand the smiling dads in the pictures a little better perhaps. They are smiling because they may have found an inner peace that comes from doing what dads were intended to do: Build, protect, guide, honor those entrusted to us from God Almighty. Not for our sake, but for the love of God. I see God in these Dads and their large families, and I see God as he chips away at my deformities. The “point of it all” in this life is slowly revealed in the sweet, trusting face of these little gifts of life God entrusted to me; of all people, He entrusted them to me!

My wife and I completed three more adoption processes before she approached me about adopting once again, and she was then called to adopt a child with Down syndrome. As difficult as that idea was for me to process, I realized that all the years and struggles and decisions over our married and parenting life had come to this: I needed to confront that horrible prayer that I once prayed to God, “Please God, don’t give me a child with Down syndrome.” God blessed me with this wife to bring the lesson to pass, and I could hear Him whisper, "Deal with it Brian. Do it correctly now. You are older and wiser, don’t repeat the mistake again - for the sake of your soul, do not."

From the World’s playbook, this makes no sense to be in my mid-fifties and adopting at this age. But I know where these kids are from, and it's no longer some "hazy theoretical problem," but actual faces and names and voices and emotional fears and desires. I know them now, through the sampling of children I’ve met through my wife’s advocacy work and through families who've adopted them. They were not smiling before...they were hopeless. They were in orphanages, perhaps tied down to their beds, facing a future on the street if no one chose them. But, then, someone said “yes” and chose them. How cool must that feel to a child with little or no hope? “I was chosen!” Now they are children with hope and a future, living in families that love them and enjoying the wealth and plenty God graced their parents with. They receive love, but they also give it back.

So, to all the dads out there considering, “Should I? How can I? It makes no sense!” My advice is this: focus on the kids. This is the chance you have to do something that will last long after you are gone from this world. Only this matters - raising children. Special needs? These children were given those needs by God, and He wants them loved too, and loved just the way He made them “disabilities and all.” He did not make a mistake in their creation. Perhaps their needs are there for you to be made better by them, and they certainly do not stand in the way of God’s love. Then who are we to love them any less?

I will say this about Down syndrome...I was completely wrong all those years ago - as wrong as can be. Children with Down syndrome are an incredible gift to me; to my family; to the world. They are about the sweetest, coolest children you can imagine, and they are little lights in the world. Yes, they require extra assistance, and depending on the severity, they may need more or less assistance. But once you give yourself over to parenting, that in itself is part of the reward. And I would encourage all you dads out there to be open to expanding the circle of smiling faces in your own little family. .

There is nothing finer in life than to be responsible for raising, protecting, and gifting to the world children of God. Just as they are; just as He made them."

- Brian Offer