In
our twelve years of marriage (pre-Millie), we were asked often, “When
are you going to have kids?” When I was younger, I remember saying, “If
we have kids, we would like to adopt” but I was conditioned that this
statement would be met with negativity and judgment. So, we learned to
keep our dream private. By the time we were ready to grow our family, we
had an immense amount of anxiety over making our announcement. And we
received a widerange of reactions. While some were very excited for us,
we also received a lot of uninvited questions...
“Why would you want to do that?”
“Can you not have your own kids?”
“You think you can handle a kid with special needs?”
Anyone who has adopted knows what I’m talking about. These responses seem to be very common. With every similar comment, I felt I was hearing a child - my child - wasn’t worthy. When you say “YES” to having a child, you open the floodgate to an endless amount of worry and outcomes, whether you are adopting or having biological children. We wanted to have a child and a child needed a family, it seemed simple to us. We had love and a home to give, so we did just that. We, in no way, felt attached to the idea of having biological kids, so why would we try? There should be no shame in that.
.
As far as having a child with special needs, we felt that it would just be a different path in parenting - one we felt we needed to take. There seems to be these stigmas attached to adoption that I wish we could squash. In adoption - and in life - I feel it’s only necessary to listen to your heart and your partner. Those are the only true things that matter. There is no wrong path in choosing to adopt - every child deserves a family.
.
I guess I’m hopeful that by being so open and honest, someone may read this and know that adoption doesn’t need to be their "Plan B". And others may be more aware of their own reaction when hearing the news of a friend that is pursuing adoption. It’s a decision that no one takes lightly. The adoption process involves much soul searching, discussion, and a tremendous effort goes into this journey. Only encouraging things should be said about that.
“Why would you want to do that?”
“Can you not have your own kids?”
“You think you can handle a kid with special needs?”
Anyone who has adopted knows what I’m talking about. These responses seem to be very common. With every similar comment, I felt I was hearing a child - my child - wasn’t worthy. When you say “YES” to having a child, you open the floodgate to an endless amount of worry and outcomes, whether you are adopting or having biological children. We wanted to have a child and a child needed a family, it seemed simple to us. We had love and a home to give, so we did just that. We, in no way, felt attached to the idea of having biological kids, so why would we try? There should be no shame in that.
.
As far as having a child with special needs, we felt that it would just be a different path in parenting - one we felt we needed to take. There seems to be these stigmas attached to adoption that I wish we could squash. In adoption - and in life - I feel it’s only necessary to listen to your heart and your partner. Those are the only true things that matter. There is no wrong path in choosing to adopt - every child deserves a family.
.
I guess I’m hopeful that by being so open and honest, someone may read this and know that adoption doesn’t need to be their "Plan B". And others may be more aware of their own reaction when hearing the news of a friend that is pursuing adoption. It’s a decision that no one takes lightly. The adoption process involves much soul searching, discussion, and a tremendous effort goes into this journey. Only encouraging things should be said about that.
- Christine Deason
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