wonder

Today, sweet son of mine, today my thoughts are drawn to the woman who carried you in her womb.

And I wonder...

I wonder how she felt, eight years ago today, when you took your first breath. I imagine her expression as she soaked in the depth of your beautiful soul and cradled you for the first time. It must've been so magical.

I wonder how she felt when she first discovered you were sick and realized that she couldn't possibly take care of your medical needs. Did panic set into her heart at the thoughts of giving you up? It hurts my heart to think about it.

My mind wanders to that point, seven months later, when she made what must've have been the most agonizing decision of her life--to leave you. Found at the gates of a residential community, I can only think she must've been hiding somewhere nearby to make sure you were safe in someone's arms.

I wonder, is she thinking about you right now? Does she recount each memory, in detail, of you in her arms and in her life? Does she cry each year on your birthday, or does she try to push the pain away...

And I wonder...does she know?

Does she somehow divinely know that you've taken a spot in Heaven?  Oh, son, I wish she could know how loved you are. I wish she could somehow know how your little light still shines in the world. Oh, how I pray your angel wings span over China and that she feels you. Like I feel you.

I was there for your last breaths, sweet son. And it was so very painful to watch you leave, but I know in my heart you were destined for bigger things. I can imagine you are a busy boy up there, and I love you for it. I love you, period. For all of eternity.

Daniel, you are such a precious gift. 

Today, I think of your beautiful birth mother. And I thank God for her, sweet son of mine.